Wednesday, December 15, 2004


Fun times for all. And even more for some. Adventure, that ageless goal of the wicked and the daring, still calls. Sometimes it calls quietly, and you have to really pay attention to hear it. Sometimes it is so loud that is cannot be ignored.
“You can never go back”. Sure. And why would you want to, right? I mean, you were there, and now are here, so you must have left for a reason.
Come on, people! Get on the ball! Get in the game!
Screw that. Things are circular in life sometimes. It really isn’t that we can’t go back, it is more like we have to come all the way around to get there again.
I find myself assaulted with the past knowledge and wisdom of a damaged scholar and dreamer; “Ain’t My Troll!”
We shall see, won’t we? All those trivial trailers to the events of life are now on the marquee of our existence. The movie of your life. Popcorn farts and sticky floors.
I can’t wait for the sequel!

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Knight takes Rook

I went to see that movie Closer. Cool. Very interesting. And I am not just talking about seeing Ms Portman pole dancing, though that was a definite bonus (hubba hubba!). It was the witty banter and quick conversations. Made me want to talk to people. So out I went into the wild night, drank some scotch and listened to some Jazz. But what the heck? I think things are a changing. As they should be, right? The holidays are getting near, and I am a little curious to see how things will play out in regards to some interpersonal relationships that will be made face to face when I return for the festivities. Bring out your dead. Dance naked. Think and feel, and Bring the Noise. I am not worried, as these things ARE going to happen. But I just hope that I am up for the challenges. Not in some mean, violent way, but rather that my fuel tanks are full with patience and calmness. I would like to make things better. But I am not sure if it is my move. Checkmate.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Just Thinking

Fear has always been a part of life. For most of us, it comes and goes. I have some personal interaction with it. When I was younger, I used to be afraid all the time. Not of anything specific, but just a general background fear. And this fear didn’t really have that much affect on my day to day activities. It is like someone born with, say, only one hand. They adapt, move on and can live normally in the big old world around them. Thinking back it was like my background fear was just higher than most of those I interacted with. Like having a faster pulse rate or something. So, as I said I was able to function fine, basically unaware that I was with this fear because I didn’t know of anything different. But as I grew I could see the difference.
Jumping ahead to the now, things are so changed. The alteration might have been gradual, but again it is something that I failed to notice. It reminds me of that sad, broken hearted feeling you can have when your lover and you part. Your world is crushed. You’ll never love again. Blah blah blah. You spend nights near the phone hoping that she’ll call and days trying to figure out how to win her back. Then one day you wake up and wonder if there are any Clint Eastwood movies on the TV. Not only did you not notice the feelings change, you didn’t even get to revel in the fact that they did. Life just sort of moved on. This is the same thing with this fear. It is gone. I don’t really remember when it left. I know it was a while ago. In its place is contentment. Faith? Not so much that everything is going to be ok, as I often say, but more that even if things go to shit, that I will still be ok. Even if I fail or loose or falter. Or fear.
I had to go through the past to make the present me as I am. Like everyone does. The good, strong and loyal people I have had in my life helped guide me. I learned from their courage. I just hope they felt the better for the exchange also. You know that old saying of Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself? It ranks right up there, as truisms go.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

I see you Baby, shaking that ass!

I feel like dancing. Really boogieing. And even though the simple act of gyration can induce near ritualistic body movements and a feeling of physical freedom, I seek it for other reasons. To explore. To release. To fulfill something in my life that has been starving lately. I danced a bit last weekend. But this is different. Maybe I need to do it alone in a mirrored room where I can cascade into my own consciousness, seeking visions and truths. Or maybe in a crowd where you just lean into everyone else as if one mass, part of the entire world.
Or maybe, and this is just a thought, it isn’t actually dancing that I need at all….