Saturday, March 05, 2005

Visions Fade

What’s to tell? You want. You care. You actually give a shit. But the emptiness is there. Always waiting. So fucking smug and sure of itself. Like it already knows how things are going to go. To End.
I really want to believe. To love and feel all the time. It is difficult. But I guess that is real life. It can’t be roses and nipples al the time, right? But why not?
Maybe I am just tired. Maybe I need more that I am capable of seeing. It is just that when it is good it is so fucking good that when it is just all right it actually feels like shit. From so high, one can fall hard.
Is it enough to care and be excited? What about interaction? What about mental stimulation, common courtesy, politeness, attentiveness? What about being alive together?
It isn’t just movies, dinners and lust. It can’t be. Can it? Am I stupid? Am I greedy? Do I even know what the fuck I am rambling about?
The truth is that, No, I do not. But I am striving to find out.
I will not meekly trail off. I want to see if I can bring about that special feeling. Again. All the time. Now.
The bottom line is that I am challenged to feel anything often. And even though my days and nights have strong highs and lows emotionally, I feel, and that might be just enough to see me through.
Hey. Fuck it. I was never big on the whole worrying thing.
And what a little frustration other than fuel for passion?


Blogger jadedprimadonna said...

Roses and nipples - never heard it put quite like that before! I wish I knew all about IT so I could tell ya, but I guess none of us really do.

March 5, 2005 at 10:16 PM  
Blogger De.vile said...

its all that finally-the emptyness. an ur always alone. inside ur head. cant help it an u wanna. which is why u look out for roses an nippples...i talk bout stuff id never be able to prove or understand, but hell we're all equally clueless an id like to behave like im not.

March 6, 2005 at 1:34 AM  
Blogger Jimmy said...

Sounds like you and I are fighting a very similar battle, one where neither one of us can give-up, and so we're caught, always fighting against the fantasies of this world and striving to show everyone what we know it should be. As you said, keep fighting.

March 6, 2005 at 4:11 PM  
Blogger themadamefiles said...

Ohh boy! Rex - I am so on the same page with you about that!! The highs, the lows - the crashing down from up to down... It's all a part of living intensely, completly and loving the same way as well. It's a gift, it's a curse...

March 7, 2005 at 3:21 AM  
Blogger bou said...

balls to the wall,'s one of my mottos and creates the cosine of my emotional curve, but at least I'm feeling it all the way...

March 7, 2005 at 11:03 PM  
Blogger MoonBunny said...

I wish I knew how to keep the sun out all the time...I'd do that for us.
but reality is more stubborn than me.....
Love always you HLT

March 8, 2005 at 7:22 PM  

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